Funny Quotes

1. A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. Groucho Marx
2. A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself. Josh Billings
3. A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. Erma Bombeck
4. A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. George Bernard Shaw
5. A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. Groucho Marx
6. A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. Bob Hope
7. A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. H. L. Mencken
8. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. Steven Wright
9. A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. Yogi Berra
10. word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. Bill Cosby
11. Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you. Satchel Paige
12. Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. Groucho Marx
13. All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Casey Stengel
14. All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt. Charles M. Schulz
15. Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. Bill Cosby
16. Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. Hedy Lamarr
17. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Groucho Marx
18. As I get older, I just prefer to knit. Tracey Ullman
19. Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward. Marilyn vos Savant
20. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. Mae West